50 things your coxwains should never say

Keep going, they might catch a crab.
Just going through the umpire's wash
Faster up the slide!
(with a hint of hope) They're not going away as fast now
...97,98,99 ...
(On the way to the start), Is that OUR race going by ?
You're going to lose, DO SOMETHING!!
Pull with your hands (!)
Heard after 20 pretty good strokes of a 25k steady state row ... "that's good, one minute gone."
Give me another hard one!
Two, watch the buoy.
It looks shallow here...
Pull harder guys...my dad is watching!
Take a 10! You're dying!
Let's focus on our technique now (as you cross over the 500m down mark).
Are we at full pressure?
Weigh enough...so three can recover from his crab.
We are walking on the official's launch.
When does our race start?
Boy, those guys are fast!
Last 10 strokes to the finish! 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1 okay only 5 more!
Let it run......in two.
Hold water All!!
They're going faster than us!
We are going to lose...
Hey guys, it looks terrible but feels great.
They expect me to know what `Weigh Enough' means?
Does anybody know which side the sandbar's on here?
OH SHIT!!
(Used while practicing for the Charles..) Now guys, this is the hardest turn in the course, Oh Shit, Weigh'nuf!!
(While your coach screams) "SAVE THE EQUIPMENT!!!"
One, Two, Three, Seven, Five.... (during a power ten)
Skeg?? what skeg?
Take ten to focus
Last minute....last fifty strokes...power twenty...power ten.. ..Almost There!!! (Head of the Connecticut)
Guys, I don't think this is our race.
We're not gonna let the varsity beat us, we're the novice men!!
Boy, I cant see anything in this fog.
Look at that!!
'cmon guys, that sculler is beating us
What are these strings for??
Don't get tired...
(During one of your first hard pieces in training): "Come on, pull harder than you have ever pulled in your life before!"
What the hell does that sail boat think it's doing?!!
(Before you push off from the dock) How does this thing work?
Give me a power ten. One. . .Two. . .Three. (yawn) .Four. . . .
We're four boat lengths down...keep up the good work.
(Head of The Connecticut) " I think I see the finish line, guys."
Is there a reason that no one takes this arch?
(After a brutal crab) "Hey, where does three think he's going?"

More Things Your Coxswain Should Never Say

We may have the smallest arms, but we're the hairiest!
Oh well, we can always get a new boat.
Oh well, you guys never liked the bowman too much anyway.
Man, it's a good thing I brought along this life jacket!
That's it. I'm outta here. You guys are on your own.
Does anyone know which way it is back to the bay?
Starboards, lighten up. We've just been rowing in a big circle.
Take a ten...no, a five...oh never mind.
OK, we've rowed all seven for awhile. Six, it's your turn to row now. Everybody else, set the boat.
OK, that's it for the stroke. Seven, throw him overboard and pull his oar in.
Do you think that gun is pointing at us?
Everybody weigh enough. Bow and 2-seat, you have each other's oars. Exchange them now.
OK, that last drill didn't work. Turn the boat back over and we'll try again.
Why does that helicopter have those floodlights trained on us?
OK, pull it into the bank. We're going to have to portage.
Six, put that fishing pole away.
OK everybody, now it's your turn to bruise the kidneys of the man BEHIND you.
My name is Andre. I'm a former Pro Wrestling star from France. I'm your new coxswain.
I have no idea what your seat numbers are, so I'm going to have to call you by name.
In my 15 years of coxing, this is absolutely the worst rowing I have ever seen.
There's room for the keg in the back.
Don't worry about it, it's just a splashboard.
If we row fast enough, not too much water will come into the hole.
To the Batcave, Robin!
Let's have 10 for everybody putting their blades in the water.
Just really YANK it!
Everybody PANIC!!!
All eight, get set to flail furiously, in two...
Power 20 through the bridge...One, Two. You know, this reminds me of a funny story about a dog I once had...
wonder what kind of submarine has a periscope like that?
We're going to try out the new on-shore remote control mechanism today.
How many times have I told you, it's "Puke OPPOSITE your rigger!"
Well it was nice knowing all of you. Do you believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost?
Is that a mushroom cloud off port?
Well, that wasn't bad. I guess you can take your blindfolds off now.
Is that Bruce Willis coming towards us?
Oh, just slap it in.
Single strokes on this one: Drive, catch, finish!!!
Remember to push WAY down on those handles during the recovery.

BEFORE THE RACE:

Why are all you guys facing backwards?
Set those stretchers all the way forward! I want you to RAM into those frontstops!
Remember, anybody who's wearing socks get thrown in.
OK, we lost to those 12 year old girls last week, but I suspect some of them were on steroids.
Everybody listen up. I'm going to hypnotize you into rowing a better race.
Since we're so small, I figure we're going to have to row the body of the race at 48.
They might not notice if we jump the start.
The only we're going to win this is if we rig it as an Octuple Scull.
Everybody pay CLOSE ATTENTION to the other boats!!!

DURING THE RACE:

What does "hasta la vista" mean?
Keep going! We'll make it to the finish line THIS time!
(In a 2000m race) Five minutes down, five minutes to go!
Keep going, I think I can still see them off in the distance!
Their jerseys ARE white, they just appear like that because they're redshirted.
We can probably salvage last place...
Are those men or women in the boat next to ours?
If we keep rowing like this, we'll definitely make it onto America's Funniest Home Videos this time!
(Referring to your opponents) They're old! They're weak!
Everyone quiet. I'm concentrating on summoning spirits.
Row hard. Harder. Harder now. Still harder. Harder yet. OK, that's hard enough.
ROW FASTER!!!
That's EXCELLENT work! Oh sorry, I was watching another boat.
When did they build THAT bridge?
You guys might as well take your shirts off right now.

AFTER THE RACE:

Don't stop just because it's the finish line! You guys need to get to the showers ASAP!

Personality Traits in an Eight

COX:

It's pretty obvious what traits a cox must adopt and tries to learn to do a good job in this most unique position in the athletic world. I'll pass on the leadership stuff, napoleon complex garbage, and point out a secondary characteristic or two that coxes unintentionally inherit after riding in the box for a while.

They can't drive a car anymore. They take 10 miles to change a lane, oversteer, can't find the brakes, and yell to the car a lot. This has nothing to do with the coxes' former driving ability. Stick Richard Petty in a cox seat for a while, they'll take his drivers license away. Coxes also begin to squint a lot, no loss in vision, they just squint.

STROKE:

'It's a tough job but only I can do it.' The meekest, most frightened non-rower in the world - when plugged reluctantly in the stroke seat, stays meek up until the first few strokes. The first few paddle strokes, a thought grows in the wimps' sniveling little mind that this job is his/hers for life. Back on the shore, the real personality will percolate back to the surface. 'I hope you guys could follow me ok'. In the boat they're thinking: 'stop rushing, you weenies!" Strokes are born and made to be the most competitive person in the boat by far, and if they stroke long enough, become overly competitive in everything they pursue, or don't pursue.. Don't expect to finish a game of Monopoly, Risk, or Golf with a stroke. The only one that can beat him to the chow line is the three man (more later) because the stroke was delayed trying to put more oars away in the rack than anyone else.

SEVEN:

The seven seat is the Bitch Niche. I don't know if whining, overly bossy, big mouthed complainers are born, and I can't believe that the cosmic effect of this seat could possibly be so instantaneous, but you could teach Mother Theresa to row in a tank, stick her in an eight at seven for the first time, and as the stern four is rowing away from the dock, she'll turn around and yell at the bow four to 'set up the f*cking boat'. The longer one rows at seven, the more sophisticated and complex the bitching becomes, changing from a crude verbal rowing suggestion to the six man in the early stages to long winded level-voiced reasoned treatises after every piece explaining why the crew is slower now than last week. Ever wonder why when a coach drives up shell-side to ask how a piece went he says: 'So how did that go, fellas? -Not you seven.' I was a team captain, looked up to leader of my college crew, kept my mouth shut and did my job. I raced one week at seven, my coach told me to 'shut up Sullivan' in a post race meeting.

SIX

If you bred Arnold Swartzeneggar with a Golden Retriever, you get a six. Six is also Seven's yin. The gentle giant, gorilla in the mist. Six absorbs most of seven's bitching and keeps it from moving through to the rest of the crew. Six nods and agrees a lot. It is a hard thing for a normal person to row six. It seems like such a great seat, you're in the stern, the boats more stable here, but you are done with a rowing career at six, you find you been used. Sixes are characterized by great competence in execution of rowing and life, but poor self confidence and a propensity to self-flagellation. Take your 3 year stroke out of the stroke seat and stick him/her at six for a week. This will be the first time you ever hear him/her say: 'My fault, fellas', at the end of a poor piece. Sixes meditate. Sixes marry, go to work for, and lend their power tools to sevens. This support system keeps sevens with thriving businesses, mates they can walk all over, and a garage full of power tools at their disposal that they don't have to fix when they break.

FIVE:

God. Yahweh. Allah. Buddha. It's not that the five seat IS those things, it's just that's how (s)he gets treated. Five's stool don't stink, the catches don't hang. They're the older brother or sister that gets special treatment, and has no idea. If a photo is taken of the crew, five will look great, everyone else is caught with shirtaills out, and snot on the lip. At heart and soul, five forgets to change oil, pay phone bills, and turn in the forms to the IRS. Five is an example of what happens to a bum that is treated like a king, they act like one. Five has the greatest delta between image and reality. The fortunate thing is that the unearned unabashed worship lasts only as long as the time on the water. Five's on his own back at home. Five wears aviator glasses.

FOUR:

The Amnesia-seat. Take a genius with a photographic memory. Row said genius at four. Listen to him ask for the third time in the same warmup. 'How many of these 500s are we doing?'. Four seat is not stupid, just has immediate and catastrophic memory loss. At a start and 20, four settles at 21 because in the time the cox yelled 'settle in two', he forgot. In a Novice boat where the seats have been removed and cleaned, it'll be four's that went back in backwards. Four will forget to tell the boatman about his(her) stripped rigger nut - usually from the time he is told by the coach, until he arrives at the boatman's bench wondering what he's doing there. On that first day on the water as the ice is breaking up, who is rummaging around the back of the boathouse looking for a sweatshirt? Four is why racing shirts are handed out on race day.

THREE:

Late in the water. Late to practice. Late to class. Late to work. Late out of the water. Late to his date. Late to the team bus. Late for everything but chow line. There is no competitiveness involved here, just an uncanny knack to have the first three rowers into the dining hall stopped by friends for a brief discussion while three breezes on by to the tray stack. Three generally gets assigned a sitter.

TWO:

Lean to the Left, Lean to the right, stand up sit down fight fight fight. Cheerleader. What is amazing, is to sit at four or five after a particular piece - seven is whining about the balance, the spacing, no swing, rushing: two is back there with pom poms saying: ALL RIGHT GUYS! LETS DO THAT AGAIN!.... Two calls out names of power 10s. 'Awright guys - OAR CLASH TEN!' If he says something funny, he repeated something the bowman prompted him with.

BOW:

Comedian. The bow seat creates a strange fatalism. They know that in a catastrophic collision, they'll be the only one to die or get paralysed. Consequently there is a constant quiet stream of one-liners that two or three could probably hear if two were not cheering loudly. If the bow is joined by a cox in a front-loader, this trait completely disappears, since someone is now likely to hear him joke about three being late, five not pulling hard, or the coxn's course looking like a signature. (S)he can be humorless and witless off the water, but on the water when there is breath to spare, you're sure to catch a chuckle if you listen.

CONCLUSION:

There is no possible use for this info. You don't necessarily stick your most competitive athlete at stroke. Stick anyone there and they'll get competitive. It takes a long time for some of these seat traits to manifest themselves in personality disorders, but you can usually catch subtle differences the first day.

You Know You Are A Rower When...

you don't mind walking in frozen bird poo barefoot
everything you do is "in 2.."
you need to have a small pushy person around telling you what to do all the time
you can get up, get dressed and leave before your eyes are fully open
the phrase "cox box" doesn't make you giggle
you believe the world wouldn't exist without spandex
you only recognise your friends from behind
when you need to go anywhere, you have a sudden urge to throw your car over your shoulder
before you go anywhere, you are at Main 20 minutes early
you stick water bottles in your shorts for no reason at all
you feel naked without enough clothing for 10 people on
you believe all authority figures carry a megaphone
you sit in class leaning to your rigger
half your body is bigger than the other
you blame bad moods on "the balance"
your friends need a rowing translater to decipher your language
you can wear the same thing every morning for a week and not think twice
you think sleeping late is waking up at 8.30
when you sit down in class, you look for the tie in shoes
you constantly check the tightness of nuts in chairs, handrails, door handles etc
you bring up the beauty of dawn, and people give you blank stares
your vision of going away for the weekend is other people's vision of hell
overhearing people talk about how little sleep they get causes you to smirk
you're giving directions to a friend and you say "turn to bow"
you dress and undress one handed so you don't have to take one hand off the oar
everytime you sit in a chair you are mildly surprised to discover it doesn't slide back and forth